21 Feb SHORTY STORY – The River Stays
Is this short story a metaphor for the author’s current experiences? Probably. Is it an attempt at humor? More or less. Is it based on a true story? Loosely. Either way, I had fun writing it instead of doing things that I should be doing. Enjoy.
-Mike
How the woman ended up on the sandbar was hard to know, at the time. In the end it didn’t matter. What did matter was the weeks that followed when the river wouldn’t do it’s job.
It’s water. It flowed, or at least it was supposed to. Sometimes it flowed higher than other times based on rain or snow melt or conditions upriver. A thousand things could make the river rise and thing after thing after thing after thing did not happen and the river stayed put. If it had risen, just a few inches, the sandbar would have disappeared and the woman would have drifted to one bank of the river or the other. But the water didn’t rise and the woman didn’t drift. She stayed on the sandbar, toward the middle.
It didn’t even have to be the river. Some animal could have done exactly what animals do and wander into the river in search of a quick bite. They could have drug the women to one side or the other or, ideally, completely out of the picture. Then everything would have been fine. No paperwork in that scenario. But the second the woman came to rest in the muddy, sandy rise smack in the middle of the damn river, split perfectly between Terrance and Coe Counties, she stayed put and stayed put a long time.
The first report of the woman came in late on a Monday, a week before Labor Day. That’s at least four whole damn days, 96 damn hours for the river to do it’s thing and make up its mind before people with campers and chairs and dogs and kids started showing up. No one on the Terrance County side wanted dogs sniffing around a corpse and no one on the Coe County side wanted some kid poking a dead body with a stick. Lawsuits come out of something like that. Facebook threads with thousands of angry comments come out of something like that. County Commissioners get involved with something like that.
People lose their jobs over something like that.
But, at the same time, a body came with investigations and paperwork and calls to the state and calling the coroner, who was going to whine the whole time. The long and short of it was no one wanted to deal with the body and no one wanted to deal with not dealing with the body. If the river pitched her to one county or the other, then duty would be defined and either county would have to step up and deal with it. But the river wouldn’t do it’s job.
So, the woman lay there on the sand bar all of Monday. Still there on Tuesday. And on Wednesday morning when it was clear the river wasn’t moving and neither was the woman, the Sheriff of each county had to have a little conference via phone. Which was a mistake.
No one knows exactly what was said on the phone between the two law men, but the email chain that was part of the investigation in the weeks and months after made it clear that things had not gone well.
TO: Sheriff Porter Mosley
May 25, 2022 – 8:55 am
Subject: Territorial Jurisdiction
Sheriff Mosley,
I spoke to our attorney and I was right, the head is where personhood is established. If you look at the photos, the head is clearly over the county line into Coe County. This is your mess.
-Steve
—————
TO: Sheriff Steven R. Stump
May 25, 2022 – 9:17 am
Subject: Territorial Jurisdiction
Steve,
The majority of the body is on your side. Maybe you flunked math but if 80 percent or so of a body is in your county, you have to do your job. Best get to it.
Porter.
——————
TO: Sheriff Porter Mosley
May 25, 2022 – 9:29 am
Subject: Territorial Jurisdiction
Porter,
I passed math the first time. No summer school needed.
Until your attorney shows me something in the state statutes that proves the head is not what we should be using to determine who has to deal with this, that’s how we have to play it. Even if I wanted to, I am not going against the advice of our lawyer, no matter how passive aggressive you want to be.
Show me the statutes or do your job. End of story.
-Steve
——————
TO: Sheriff Steven R. Stump
May 25, 2022 – 9:58 am
Subject: Territorial Jurisdiction
Steve,
Summer school? Really? That only happened one year. That’s how you’re coming at me? I’d watch my back next time youre in Coe County if I were you.
I don’t care what that bitch fo a lawyer says, 80 percent on your side of the line is the ballgame. It’s common sense, which you clearly don’t have.
I know police work is a hassle and you want to get to golfing as soon as you can. Do your job and then go play with your woods and your balls.
Porter
——————
TO: Sheriff Porter Mosley
May 25, 2022 – 1:50 pm
Subject: Territorial Jurisdiction
Porter,
Sorry it took me a while to get back to you. I was in a meeting that was almost as long as it took you to come up with that golf pun in your last email.
I said it once but I forgot I was dealing with “Summer School Porter” so I’ll put it as plain as I can: I have a lawyer who says it’s your problem. Find a lawyer who has a different argument or go down to the river and clean up that mess.
Clear enough for you?
-Steve
——————
TO: Sheriff Steven R. Stump
May 25, 2022 – 2:01 pm
Subject: Fuck you
Fuck you.
Porter
——————
Emails ceased and the business day ended with no action and each side thinking the other would blink. Neither side did and the woman remained on the sandbar and the river refused to rise.
On Thursday buzzards found the woman and started in. Each side sent one Deputy a piece to the river to watch and see if the birds pulled the woman clearly to one side of the county line or the other. Despite a few close calls, the woman stayed and the Deputies returned to report what they had seen, which they did with great detail and relish to those who would listen.
According to the local news, over the weekend 172 calls were put in to local law enforcement reporting the body, following up on reports of the body and asking why no one was dealing with the dead woman in the middle of the river. There was a news conference on the Tuesday after Labor Day where both Sheriffs tried to paint the other as the villain. And the body remained.
It was after a call from a wealthy donor of the Governor who had his weekend personally ruined by the corpse that the state was alerted and the woman was finally removed. No foul play was suspected.
According to the official report she had sat in the middle of the sandbar surrounded by the river which would not rise, watched the sun set the sky ablaze and shot herself in the head.
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